The Pursuit of Healthiness

The Pursuit of Healthiness
Your Guide to Getting Healthy

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Round Two of Pretty Mind-Numbing Fear

I smell pizza outside my door. My suitemates invited several of their friends over to watch a game and they ordered pizza. I haven't had dinner. I'm starving. Two of them invited me to watch the game with them. I told both that I might, thanked them for the offer and quietly shut the door after them.

I'm not going to get any pizza. I know at this point that I will not be leaving my room this evening, which means I will not be leaving my room for the day.

Look, I can fake having fun with the best of them. When it's for something professional, I'm the queen of putting on a smile (and a personality) and making everyone feel welcome. I put a lot of work into it. But this is supposed to be my home. It's where I'm supposed to feel relaxed, but instead there's a constant knot in my stomach. I've never faced this kind of anxiety before. Please excuse these sorts of posts, folks. I'm just trying to get healthy. But when my heart is pounding and my stomach is aching and my head is throbbing, just when I'm still on my bed, it's hard. The little voice in my head is saying, "They hate you, they hate you, you're boring, and they hate you. Just wait. Eventually they will give up on you altogether and stop even asking you to join. Who wants a friend like you?"

It's a painful thought that reminds me of growing up in elementary school. Like I said before, I usually made friends out of circumstance. I'd spend class after class with them; after a year, I'd get invited over their house or to their birthday party and, alakazam, we're suddenly best friends.

At these points in our lives, we don't really have close knit groups. Friendships change daily. To be a stranger in a room of fifteen people who have been inseparable for the past year is quite literally my nightmare. I wonder if they can see how lonely and upset I am. I must reek desperation and fear. It would be nice to have friends. It would be really nice to be able to talk to someone.

I suppose that's why I'm writing in here more. It helps to pretend that someone is listening.

The sun has set and I've spent another day alone.

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