Do What Scares You

I know a lot of people say to go with your gut, but if I constantly went with my gut I doubt that I'd ever leave my home. In fact, I can tell you very honestly that if I listened to my gut constantly, I'd never have gone on a date. I'd never have gone to college and, even if I did somehow make it here, I'd never leave my dorm to go to class. I wouldn't have become editor of my school's chapter of a top website. I'd never go to a new restaurant, see a movie by myself, even walk to a new coffee shop one block over.

My anxiety is far more severe than I let on sometimes. There are days when I nearly vomit just trying to get out the door. There were days in high school when I did vomit just trying to get out the door to catch the bus. I have gotten better over time. For a long time, I figured it would be okay to just give in. I was too scared to go to school so many times I just didn't. I almost wasn't able to get senior service at my school (a program where we do community service for a month rather than go to school just before graduation) because I missed too many days of school. I remember being very sick for one week that year. But somehow I'd missed 16 days. The other 11 days I'd skipped just out of fear of getting out of bed.

It wasn't until I got to college that I realized doing that wouldn't fly anymore. Some of my classes worked so that if I missed one class without a doctor's note, I dropped a letter grade. I can't get a doctor to sign a note that says, "Please excuse her from class as she is too frightened by high school." I don't think that's gonna fly.

But I have noticed something. The more I start to push past that feeling in my gut that makes me want to give into the anxiety, the easier it has been to ignore over time. That feeling doesn't go away, at least not from my experience, but it can become more bearable, as long as you are willing to show it who's boss. The more you say, "You don't control me," the more true that becomes.