The Pursuit of Healthiness

The Pursuit of Healthiness
Your Guide to Getting Healthy

Sunday, April 24, 2016

To The Last Guy That Ever Made Me Feel Unimportant

The point of my blog is to work on health in every form. As humans, health in relationships is an important concept and, especially at my age, that form of health is often tossed to the wayside. I've heard so many relationships talked about like, "He treats her kinda shitty" or "He's kind of an asshole to her" or "She talks to her like he's an idiot." And we brush off this comments because we think, that's their problem. We step in maybe if it seems particularly bad or if it's become physical. Otherwise, we think, man that sucks, and then forget about it an hour later.

The thing is those people are still together even after you'll long forgotten about it.

Relationships can suck for a variety of ways. In fact, they often do suck. We all know that to find Prince Charming, we have to get through a lot of Mr. Wrongs. That's fine. The only time it's not is when Mr. Wrong becomes Mr. Does You Wrong.

In my lifetime, I've only had two long term relationships. I tried to end the first one four months after we started dating. But he was dealing with depression and threatened to kill himself if I left. He kept this up for months. I went away to college and learned that I kind of liked being alone. I discovered how much better I felt without him around. I learned about things I loved, things he hated to hear about because college was a part of my life he wasn't in. He called me selfish and stuck up when I talked about things I was proud of at school. He shut me up about them. I couldn't be happy about anything unless they involved him. I learned how much I liked not having him around.

I can't speak for the type of girlfriend I was. I tried to do everything right. I think I did everything wrong. I still don't know. All I know is that I felt so little. I couldn't have opinions. If I did, they were wrong. When I finally broke up with him, he drove away so fast ran a stop sign and nearly hit another car. I never heard from him again.

For about a year, I was single and hating it. I felt like an awful human being. I wanted someone to tell me I was special and that I was a good person. I was alone for about six months before I broke. I needed someone and ended up going between multiple someones. I hated myself even more. I did things I never want to think about again. I got myself into situations that I never want to remember for the rest of my life.

I felt lucky when I found a good someone. He told me I was good. He was very controlling. I thought I needed that. I was such a mess, I needed someone to control me a bit. And some control was good. He wanted me to speak about my depression more. Talk to people who could help. He also warned me in advance he could be little mean. He and I both thought as long as I knew we could excuse him for it. I realized fast, though, that my opinions meant very little. I spent nearly every waking moment with him when I wasn't at school or work or doing homework. I had know friends, save for my roommate. He didn't love me. He made that very clear. To him, I was something he could use however he wanted. I came running when he called. I let him talk about not having a job or prospects, but I was a bad person if I suggested that he do a little more to find them. He spent day and night watching t.v. and playing video games. I hated everything he liked and I tried so hard to listen to him talk about his games. I talked about work and what I was doing at school that I was proud of and his eyes glazed over right away. He would tell me that I would be unemployed when I left college. That no one would take what I was doing seriously. I shut up again.

I talked about the things I was excited, stupid little things. Like the new ride they are building in Disney or an article I read about a new movie I was so excited to see. He wouldn't even bother to nod. His eyes were glazed over right away. After a couple minutes, I'd ask, with a joking tone, feeling my throat close up, "You're just putting up with me." He'd grin. Jokingly, he'd say back, "Yeah, I am." I knew it wasn't a joke though because the second I stopped talking, he'd change the subject.

I moved into a new room this semester because my roommate was studying abroad. I was still with Guy #2 at the start of this semester. Little by little, I started seeing him less and making friends with my new roommates and their friends.

One day I was playing the music from the EPCOT ride, Soarin', in my room and one of the girls burst in the room excited. We ended up watching a live stream from the Disney parks, watching the entire the Hall of Presidents show. Her friend, that she grew up with in Florida, lives down the hall from us. One morning he ended up telling me about a new Disney game available for I-Phone. I told him I couldn't get it because my phone was too old. The next day he and I were sitting on my couch, hunched over the phone, playing together. We talked about Disney, Universal, horror movies, Rent. It seemed like every time I'd mention something, he'd say how it was one of his favorite things too. For the first time in a long time, I felt like someone wanted to hear my opinions. He read all my articles, was a subscriber to everything I wrote for. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was important. That I was doing something that meant something. That I mattered.

When I said good bye to Guy #2, I did it sadly, but with a strength I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt proud of myself. I've been single for two months now. I feel like I can take on the world. I have my friends behind me, supporting me all the way. And I support myself now.

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